I just went to my filing cabinet to try to fit in one more
folder – representing one more class finished through the University of
Phoenix. I could not smash in another
folder full of stuff. Something has to
go. I started to pull out the old OT
folders – little savings, shavings of time, representations of knowledge gained
and kept squirreled away in a filing cabinet; proof that I did it. I was there.
I went to the University of Findlay and went through the OT program and
got the degree. I did home health. I worked in hospitals. I helped people. I worked and taught at Salt Lake Community
College. I planned coursework and
programs. I did all this stuff. And I saved these documents as proof of my
existence in the past. It means nothing
to me to save these things. But I guess
my hope is that my children will go through them as they throw them out when I
am dead and have some little glimmer of who I am. What I did in the past. What I learned. What I was “in to.”
So I dumped a bunch of folders in the trash can. Shall I take away this opportunity for my
children in the future? I need the space
in the filing cabinet.
Do I really need them to know me? Don’t they know me? I guess they do in the Mama-way. They know me and my personality. But there are parts of me they don’t know and
will now, never get a glimpse of.
Oh well. Am I this
pile of papers and old photos? If anyone
added up these little fractured bits of the past – would they add up to
me? No, of course not. I am more than all the little tiny scraps of
artifacts piled around the house in closets and cupboards and drawers and
hanging on the walls. These are only
representations of my likes, my preferences.
But they are not me.
I am an eternal being, constantly changing, morphing along
the journey of life and before life and after life. Each moment, I am living and in the middle of
living. Who am I? I am Katherine Bowers Bruner. I am a woman.
I am a child of God with unique gifts, intelligence and power. I have my preferred strivings to work on. I have loved ones over whom I pray and
worry. I love the people I know: my
husband, children, co-workers, neighbors, friends. My living is bound up in them as well. These little bits of paper and photos are not
all of me, they could never be all of me.
I can just mourn a bit, the loss of the memories and the lost
opportunity for my children.
Don't worry about throwing that stuff out. We lived with you through much of that, maybe the younger ones won't remember as much, but Kim and I can tell your story. While I agree with you, we might not know you as much as you may think, I also disagree, I think we know you more and have observed you more than you realize. You've been the most important person in our lives for the most amount of time that we've been on the earth. Love you mom.
ReplyDeleteMom, I am so grateful for you. All the things you do and the person you are! I already know you are the smartest woman in the world. I remember many of the times you mentioned from Findlay Ohio to where you are now. I agree with you that those papers and pictures do not sum up your life. You can't be defined by the stuff you squirrel away. Just like Dad can't. I am just grateful you learned that lesson. Now we'll see if Dad will. lol!
ReplyDeleteLove you more than you know!